complicated ME

I consider myself one of the "misunderstood" ones.
There were instances that i am laughing my lungs out at a time then cry 20 minutes later, Insanity? I hope not!

I keep on saying that i am not pretentious but the last time i evaluated myself i came to realize that i do pretend; at that span of my life i actually did a lot of pretending. Maybe that's the reason why people misunderstand me; I pretend i'm ok when truly i'm not and once that thing inside me that i'm hiding starts to overflow, my actions are not anymore consistent because the emotions i am trying to imply and the real emotions overflowing from inside tend to dominate each other.

Would anybody agree with me that once you trusted people then something happened that made you realized you were so wrong about trusting that person, it is so damn difficult to trust again?! So to sum it up, when i say i love you, i'll prove it; when i say i trust you, i mean it. It's like gambling my everything and when it fails...the whole me fails with it.

I have this box, since elementary this is where I keep all the letters, gifts and souvenirs I got from friends. So to sum it up this box has been with me for the last 15 years. One day I've decided to take a look at it then reread all that is kept there when suddenly i found something that surprised me it was a simple drawing of the permanent tissues of plants, I thought that there isn't any special thing bout it but when i looked closer i have said that it was indeed special. the drawing was done by my greatest crush in high school. it made me think that i maybe have really loved the guy cause i could have trashed out that page from my biology notebook but i did not, and it has been in my keeping for 11 years now.

right after i saw the drawing i couldn't help but reminisce about him. he has these beautiful eyes that always made my day then, so beautiful that it smiles on its own and when it does it brought me a feeling of extraordinary serenity.

the question you're maybe asking is where is he now. January this year, that was after 9 years of not seeing each other, my best friend went to our house with him. i couldn't explain the feeling and as always i really could not look him straight in his eyes when we talked, haaAAyy! we have been texting each other from then on and we eventually became lovers on February 15 but sadly he left for abroad the next day. yah long distance relationship...!

the relationship has been a roller-coaster ride, we would always fight and sometimes over nonsense things. it has been a very difficult relationship but we knew that love was already there it was true and we held on to it. unfortunately just this august we broke up, I'm not sure if it's because the holding on wasn't that tight or maybe ne of us just realized that sometimes letting go can do good also.

now i am trying so hard to make my way out of the breakup process easily but hell it's so impossible!! i still miss him and i really love him. just like that drawing i kept, after 11 years it surfaced, he surfaced. but now that i lost him i will still keep that drawing, for 10 or 20 years more, it doesn't matter anymore because keeping it is like keeping him. we never know maybe someday i may look at it again then i may have him back again.

DECEIT

I hug you tight on coldest nights
Until morning and the sun rays light
I kiss your lips so tenderly
Like you’re my man and I’m your Lady

I run and take away your fears
A barricade from enemy who dares
I protect you from this evil world
I’m the shield you can strongly hold

I said I am everything for you
But unfortunately I am untrue
I’ll reveal to you this thing I hide
I never loved you! Sorry I just lied!

I LOVE YOU

I love to see the smile on you
The smile that sweeps away my blue
I love to feel you in my arms
Your touch that keeps me safe and warm

I love the way you look at me
Your eyes that set my dreads so free
I love the things your embraces tell
Things all of me, of my heart feels

I love to wait you come so near
The distance that drives away my fear
I love to hear whispers you make
The sounds of music so hard to break

I love my heart for it keeps you
To paint it red so beautifully true
I love my lips for it has you
To tell the word, “I LOVE YOU”

PETER

One afternoon as I seat on the seashore
Glancing at the sun as it sets, I so adore
Feeling the tears on my face as it pour
This person came up to me; I didn’t hear his steps on the sand’s floor

He sat beside me but I chose not to look at him
He was so close, I can feel his breath’s like a flame
He was so close, I can smell his fume, I was tamed
I still didn’t look at him cause I thought he was just a dream

He held my hand but uttered nothing
His touch felt warm like it was saying everything
He placed my hand on his heart, it was soundly beating
But I still didn’t look at him cause I know his not the man I should be keeping

He stood up, his voice I still didn’t hear
He slowly walked away, I was filled with fear
This time I looked at him, my eyes had a tear
He glanced back at me and said, “By the way, my name is Peter!”

NO YOU

I walked myself in a faraway land
I walked with so much questions in mind
This paradise I have longed to find
Has gotten me and my heart so blind

The birds on nests got no wings to fly
I see their babies hunger and cry
The greenest ocean has run dry
I pity the creatures that lived and die

The brave sun had not shown
The warm breeze had not blown
The shiny stars that was never alone
I watched only one but had not glow

My lips can smile but still I’m blue
I tell lies and yet it’s all true
In my paradise I’m lost, I got no clue
But now I know, it just has no you

answered prayer

Answered Prayer


I stand here under the rain
The coldness it brings conquer my brain
Lord, I question now in so much pain
“’til when shall I wait in vain?”

Raindrops felt like a stab in my soul
This agony has devoured me whole
Lord, hear me out, please heed my call
“When is he coming to heal my all?”

Then suddenly a warm breeze blown
Lord probably has heard my moan
In my ears it was a beautiful tone
“My child he’s back, from past he has flown.”

the place

The Place


I sobbed harshly for I was hurt deep
In this place I cried and weep
The painful past I hardly grip
My wounded heart I didn’t want to keep

Endless tears run down my face
In this place I sat for days
I bowed my head cause the anguish brace
The grievous parts I didn’t want to trace

I heard footsteps and saw you in front of me
You sat down and gave me the sweetest glee
You caressed me, oh those eyes I love to see!
You held my hand and said, “I’m your man, from torment I’ll set you free

You were like the moon at night
In this place you brought me light
The brightness you convey gave me might
This fearful love I didn’t want to fight


But the happiness was just for a while
Cause you left me and gone for a mile
In this place where our love wasn’t a sly
I will wait for you until the day I die